I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Someone came in the potted fern
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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