Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
