I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
