I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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