Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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