anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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