The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
