Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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