I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
