I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
