proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
