i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
