do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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