Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
