I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize