The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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