This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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