i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
