ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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