I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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