The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize