I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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