i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize