Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
