EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ketchup is God's man juice
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
