Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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