She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
