I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
