Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
