I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
