A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
