STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
