when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i now understand why vodka
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
