I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
