I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
