Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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