im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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