totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
