You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
