dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
