If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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