Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
