glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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