She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
