WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize