I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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