Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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