One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
