dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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