I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
