So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize