I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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