Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
