question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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