How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
50% drunk capacity currently
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Randomize
