...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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