Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
