you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
