He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
