Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
